The Royal Gazette recently celebrated the virtues of of Generation Y, that anthropic manna from heaven which descended during the holy neoliberal protectorate of Ronald Reagan. An excerpt from the article:

The members of Generation Y are sometimes referred to as the “Millennials” or “Echo Boomers”. I mention this because Deloitte, the professional services firm, issued a report this week, stating that Gen Y is becoming an important part of the workforce, as well as the newest customers for financial services companies. The US insurance industry, for example, is looking to this group as an opportunity for growth and significant long-term opportunities.

I must admit, it comes as a surprise that the The Royal Gazette views the “Echo Boomers” as a growth opportunity for the US insurance industry. Given the fact that the insurance industry in this country is currently in shambles, one wonders why Generation Y represents the last straw for the likes of Liberty Mutual and, gulp, AIG. But it’s not just the insurers who see Generation Y as a new source of fodder. Financial services also sees those born after 1983 as a means for staging a comeback.

Why, pray tell?

According the to The Royal Gazette, Generation Y is possessed a repertoire of rare qualities. To wit:

• As financial freshmen, Gen Yers have easier access to, and more information about, financial products and services than earlier generations did at this stage of life. However, when it comes to implementation, they are still novices.

• Gen Yers are self-directed and resourceful in conducting research on financial services products, but often seek recommendations from, and validation of, their decisions from family, friends and financial advisors.

• Tech-savvy Gen Yers grew up as “technology natives” and view technology as an extension of themselves, compared to baby boomers, who view it more as a tool.

Generation Yers, according to this market research, are a bunch of vacuous opportunists who can’t even tie their shoes without consulting mommy and daddy — iClods ripe for fleecing, in other words. I can’t help but think of H.G. Wells’s The Time Machine, but with Generation Y as the lax and happy Eloi, twittering and texting their way through life, while the hungry, simian Morlocks, armed with reams of actuarial and psychographic data, patiently await sunset to feast upon their toned, blemishless flesh.

Unfortunately for Generation Y, that sun now sets, as bailout after bailout fails to satiate the Morlocks of Wall Street. Baby Boomers and Generation X have grown weary witnessing their tax dollars thrown onto the FIRE sector. Only Generation Y, Facebooked and YouTubed into comfortably numb self-regard, remains seemingly oblivious to the economic meltdown toward which we are careening.

That’s perhaps for the best. If Generation Y is indeed becoming an important part of a workforce that no longer exists, then why spoil their party before it’s necessary? In fact, The Royal Gazette says we should go out of our way to be nice:

So, if you see a generation Y-type person, give them a hug, why don’t you, and maybe they will influence you in ways you cannot imagine.

But that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. With unemployment at 8.1% and rising in the United States, Generation Y doesn’t exactly have the skill set required to deal with grinding poverty and a lack of employment opportunity. So when the shit hits the fan this summer, I’ve my own words of advice if you see a generation-Y type person: Run.