Circle Jerks frontman Keith Morris may have the world up his ass (NSFW), as he famously complained in the band’s seminal 1980 release, Group Sex; but a recent study suggests that many denizens of the District of Columbia have the world’s reserve currency up their noses.
This startlingly high percentage represents an increase of only 20 percent from the previous two years. (When in any given year you can count on at least seven of every ten Federal Reserve Notes being laced with blow, you know your town’s fukken rokken.)
DC wasn’t alone in the study; the folks at U. Mass.–Dartmouth “tested notes from more than 30 cities worldwide.” The nation’s capital, did, however, beat all comers, including Baltimore and Detroit, cities that also registered high numbers of blow-laced dough.
The fact that DC shares this distinction with two cities singin’ the postindustrial blues has led researchers to speculate that an economy in need of a line or two itself may explain this phenomenon:
Dr Yuegang Zuo, who led the research, said: “To my surprise, we’re finding more and more cocaine in banknotes.
“I’m not sure why we’ve seen this apparent increase, but it could be related to the economic downturn, with stressed people turning to cocaine.”
One wonders how bad things really are if folks can still find money for an eight-ball. At any rate, cocaine is not necessary a drug associated with economic downturns. Smack, certainly. Crack, definitely. But blow retains too much of an uptown aura really to be associated with hard times. One thinks of all the 80s cocaine glam: Delorean car tires, shitters in some Manhattan or Miami nightclub, the backseat of a BMW 500 series — all mis en scènes for a drug that defined a decade. If crystal meth is the poor man’s cocaine, then cocaine remains the rich man’s cocaine.
Fortunately, the study also revealed many reaches of the globe whose currency bears few traces such indulgence:
Other countries where notes were tested were Canada, Brazil, China and Japan.
China had the lowest rates, with only 12% of its bills contaminated.
In the US the cleanest bills were collected from Salt Lake City, home of the religious group, the Mormons.
That Canada’s money was found relatively clean is not surprising; it’s probably hard to tell your stash there from all the snow. Brazil’s relatively spotless currency is a bit more surprising, given that country’s proximity to cocaine-producing powerhouse Colombia. As a still industrializing nation, China lacks enough effete financier-class yuppies to serve as a consumer base for such a substance. And Japan? Well, I guess coke faces stiff competition from cosplay, hentai and machine-vended worn panties.
Equally unsurprising is Salt Lake City, Utah. I mean, if Mormons can’t drink Coke, they’re unlikely to do coke.
So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do a few rails off my copy of The Osmonds’ Crazy Horses.